I felt it, the call of the train again. It had been so long since it had last called out. I needed to go, the reality of life and how I had dwindled through the years had seemed to cast a dark shadow across my face. I faced myself again, the blank stare on my face as it stared back told me of no illusions that I may have once felt, however long ago it may have been. I stood there for what seemed a while trying to see within myself, to see into the depths, breaking through the layers of the cracks etched, it all once seemed a lot smoother, more kinder. There was no smile that I received, there was only a truth, perhaps of inner madness or maybe something too nuance to comprehend, what was I searching for I asked. The time passed and still the mirror could reveal no answers that weren’t comprised with more questions. Then it got to a point where I could no longer comprehend what it was I was doing. I looked away only to feel somewhat more aware, aware of my own self or aware of something more sinister. To look at oneself for some time and try to understand what it is, what you are and why you are doing so seems to draw you into a loop, like a camera pointed to a television that streams endless televisions a frame within a frame. This convoluted my thought process for a while, then I felt the pull again, maybe it was finally time for me to get away.

I found myself walking, much the same way as a concussed person may find themselves and with the same perception and lack of understanding of how in fact they got there and what actually happened in-between. I tried to remember how I got to where I was but could not recollect, either way I was on the right path. The train station wasn’t too far. I searched my brain for a location of where I might go, and then it dawned on me then I had no such passion for a trip of that sort, I envisioned myself at the beach, but instead concentrated on the wait, both on and off the train and how many stops it would take before I arrived. I figured in my musings that it would take at the least two trains and roughly between two and three hours before I would arrive. I sighed. I imagined myself taking this journey only to find myself at the beach for an hour before I would make my way back and spend another two to three hours travelling back. I couldn’t grasp at this notion, I wondered then why people ever do such a thing in the first place with their free time, why would they want to spend more of their time getting to a location than actually being in that location, but people did do so. Maybe they do it because it fills their lives up with some actual semblance of a meaning. Though I would argue the fact that if you have someone to actually share the journey with then the in-between gets forgotten. Lost to time like the blowing of the wind. How such a strange understanding, that we all seem to end up this way in a future time, maybe some sooner than others. How long would it be until the remainder no longer remains. Will any of you ever remember a conversation that we once had once upon a time and when you too find yourself as dust what then can be said of us.

After some careful consideration I managed to talk myself out of the trip to the beach, but I then thought of something closer. Alas it still did me no good, for I would then muse on what I would actually do with myself on my arrival. It all seemed so daunting now, how had it got to this. Where had the optimism gone, did that too get lost in the wind. I tried to shake the feeling off, I need to do something however trivial it may seem. I can’t reason my way out of everything and I thought then that maybe it was time that I did take the trip that I had been so longing for. I did after all owe this to myself, I need a break, a break from the crazy and most importantly a break from myself. I walked a bit further and then found myself at the train station.

I checked the time and told myself it didn’t matter where I ended up going, too much overthinking is what drove me here in the first place. There was ten minutes to wait, I finally felt that rush of excitement that I had been so longing for. I thought this so ironic that it would only come now as the instance approached. The understanding of which filled me with calm, a reassurance almost that it would be soon enough and that I could then finally ease my mind in that moment. I drew a cigarette out of the packet and found my lighter, I inhaled the fumes and they calmed my nerves, I then noticed a tall thinly man approach. As he got closer I noticed that he wore a scab on his cheek, he looked like he had been hard on the drugs. He approached me with carelessness, I found this strange that he would choose such a time to approach me. Then I understood instantly why he would do such a thing, the years of his drug use had left him without the need for moral boundaries and he wanted a cig. He asked me in the politest possible way that someone who had weathered the years living as an outcast could possibly muster and I felt envious of him then in that moment, because he had something that I truly missed. I told him that he could have the remainder in the pack and he looked somewhat puzzled by this notion. As though I was alien or perhaps he felt that I was timid, either way he took the pack with such conviction and intrepidness. Then with in that same moment I had turned to check the time left for the train to arrive and as I turned back he had already walked near to the exit of the station, I chuckled to myself in that moment, what a life he must lead.

There was two minutes left before the train would arrive, when the automated announcement came through the tannoy to say that there had been a delay and it would in fact be another five minutes before it would arrive. I thought then that I may already be on the train and that I had maybe drifted into a slumber on my destiny to nowhere. I pinched myself and realised that the deed had yet in fact not been done. I studied the scenery, the opposite platform had some people waiting, a young girl with a pram, a chubby child sitting on board suckling on a sausage roll, her partner prowling the train station walkway like a man on a mission conversing heavily with his friend on the mobile phone. I checked my phone, not long now I told myself. I scanned the rest of the station, a cctv camera hung high, pivoting left and right, I pondered if it was automatically motioned on a timer or if in fact there was someone who remote controlled it. I had a sudden urge to wave as it seemed to place itself on me. Then I felt it, the rumbling of the track seemed to deliver a response in me, an automatic response to look in the direction I wasn’t heading. Then it showed itself as it motioned around the corner. I couldn’t say then what I felt in that moment, but the moment seemed to last a lifetime and at the very same time seemed almost instant, the steady sway of the train as it pulled itself to a halt was almost enough to give me pause, but I felt in this moment that it was now or never, and as I leapt from the platform, I felt the wind blowing and knew then that it was how everything will be for everyone eventually.